Is there any real true answer for this?
Why did he leave? Why did he leave me? They say I shouldn’t ask myself this question, because every time I do, I fall apart. And I know all of this already, since I have been through this so many times. The thing is, we are not talking about my past, ironically, we are talking about HIM.
Yes, him, the one I thought would end up with me, instead I feel as he finished all of me, with everything I am, and I know it sounds so dramatic and tragic, but I have never been so sincere. I feel as if I’ve fallen into a void, a black hole, somewhere I have seen before but somehow, never been.
And I find myself wondering why isn’t he with me right now? What happened? Since he didn’t give any truth in the explanation, only excuses.
I rewind , I go back and forth, which affects my stability, maybe that’s why I can’t see straight into my past, present and future.
I know I’m not the first , last or only person to feel this way, but between him and me, feels as if I were the only one in despair.
Using a lot the word “I” would seem as if I only think of me, which is actually what I should be doing, thinking about myself, you know, focusing on myself, instead it feels like I’m losing focus.
I wonder WHY. Why? We were so happy together… we were kids, lovers, best friends, it was like a movie love, only this was actually real. That’s why this stupid ending feels so unreal.
So after all these thoughts go through my mind and my anxiety has already kicked in my chest and I can start breathing again like a normal tranquil person, I come to the conclusion that , I will never really know why he left, why he could look at me in the eye and not feel the same desperation and sadness I was feeling as I saw him and heard him say: I’m so sorry, I’ve made my decision, I can’t be with you anymore, I want to be alone.
After 5 years knowing every inch of his body, mind, soul, heart and spirit, after everything we had planned for our future, he just decides to text me saying he wants to break up with me. A text. So yes, I still wonder why , how can someone be so cold and capable of doing something like that? Why? Why? Why? I won’t know why. I won’t know his real reasons, but someday maybe, I will know the reason why this has happened to me. I don’t know if something better will come into my life that makes me feel alive again and gives some sense to this darkness. All I know is that even though it’s hard to acknowledge and accept, he left because he wanted to, and now I have to leave him even if I really don’t want to.
But I need to love myself even more than I love him. Ironically, this supposedly love for myself, means doing something that hurts me.
And I’m lost again, after all these words pop into my head, I see myself staring at a blank spot, paralyzed in time, not being able to move, to smile, to stop thinking, to think straight, not being able to wake up from this nightmare. All I can feel is my heart beating non stop and so fast, as fast as I dream he would come back to me and say something that could break this awful, lonely, absurd moment.
But no. That’s not happening… and I don’t know why it isn’t.
I don’t know why.